Yet again, you can't complain about the voibosity if you choose to read it.

It's a little preachy, too!

Your choice....remember that......

{First, re; the anime question] Honestly, it was so many years ago, but I remember, if it gives you a clue, the girl became a ghost in the power lines! hahahah

like, a spectre haunting the grid... wacky. I taped a really interesting looking japanese movie recently, about "neo cells" it was a futuristic dystopia type-o movie, but I hain't got round to watching it.

Anyway, give the cbt thing a go. You haven't told me you're out of uni at the moment, I don't know why that is...why is that?

The best way i can explain it is to say, I'm not saying "you're complaining", that was exactly my point, it's not a "buck up" type of advice, it's actually LISTENING to you, first and foremost, which is something I think you desperately need, is someone to listen to you.

Mojay is WEED, baby! [hahaha, I had to jokingly end with the word baby, like Dave Chappelle in his stand up routine "for what it's worth"...but don't worry, it's just like the way i call papi melba, it's really just a way of ending the sentence!]

Weed was my way, of slowing down the hectic hoily boily around me, and mellowing convo's so's we'd get a chance to say whatever we felt without worrying about it sounding stupid. And by weed standards, talking about how one feels is way less silly and indulgent than the "I'm an eskimo that comes from a frog" nadir of repartee I reached in my teen use years. My point is though, weed just infloresces current mindsets, it won't help change tham. if you go in well and both have a positive expectation of the outcome, it will elaborate on those starters. If you feel blue and worry, it would predictably not be great.

All I'm saying is, when i felt that everyone was cutting me off, [and believe me, it happened big time, when I got down, they deserted me in droves, it's just because people feel ill equipped mostly, but sometimes yes, it can be that people are selfish and don't want to help oor even extend their thoughts to you...you means anyone, not just you]

BUt when I felt I was getting socially cut off, I had no problem thinking, fine then, nobody'll listen, i'll find someone whose job it is to listen. Didn't bother me, I was getting the benefit. And first up, i got a bitch of a bloke, pshrink, totally untrustworthy, negative, imputed all these character flaws onto me, and i went downhill as long as I was unlucky enough to remain with him. Mine is an exaggerated example, but the lesson is, you are as free to, and have the right to, be as judicious in your choice of talking-person as anyone is in their choice of friends. If someone ain't woikin' ut, don't suffer, just keep looking. I'm probably unduly emphasising this point from my own experience, because i must say, the overwhelming majority of people I've spoken to [and it's been plenty, from high school, to uni, and all the intervening years of madness and chaos in my life] have been openminded, positive and helpful.

But the way to think is, if you have a horse, and rider, and scenery, none of them is independent. The rider holds the reins, but the horse can buck the rider off. The horse provides the power, but doesn't pick the path. And the ground that you think is impervious to the activity of those above, if it is trodden repeatedly and identically for years by that same combination, it will eventually wear and the grass will recede and leave a dirt track where the most traffic passes through. There is no real separation though, each affects the other in the chain, no link is independent.

In the same way, life [the scenery] can be rocky, but pick the right path often enough and it will be visible to you in advance the next time you encounter that steep bit of the journey [external complications in life, like housing, uni, social stuff] getting to know it and having a useful repertoir of responses gives you a range of options.

the horse can have problems, it can buck you off. This is like your internal health. it may be as simple as diet and exercise, getting enough sleep, or as complex as the balance of neurotransmitters. All these things you can influence, but you will be as subject to them to the same extent that you are able to control them. This means, ill health, including ill mental health, and by that I just mean, anxiety, depression, at a biological level, at the level of the tissues, you can boost it, but it will have just as much effect on you as you have on it. So, yes, you can take antidepressants, but getting back to the rider metaphor, which i've overblown and made boring, no matter how well you feed a horse and how neatly you hobnail those horseshoes, you still need to be competent in your riding to get the best results.

SKIP THE NEXT PART IF YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE PUSHING YOURSELF TOO FAR

Likewise, no matter how nice and kindly the rider is, with good gentle but clear instructions to the horse, if the poor thing has a problem, bad diet, worn out shoes, you won't get a good result. So this means your body is your temple, it's the only one you've got, so never forget, attend to the basics, rest and relaxation, and TLC. That means, I don't know if you do or not, and I'm not saying you don't, but just in case it might be a factor, but get enough natural variation in your diet, all the good things, vitamins, get enough sleep, and do some stretches or whatever to keep the body feeling like you give a damn and you don't wear your muscles out and go for days without enough sleep or burn all your energy supplies and keep depleting them without having proper big meals.

FInally, what i believe may be a decisive factor in your case is the "rider".

I'm not going to say "stop minimising your problems" because it's in nobody's interest to just say "don't complain, there are plenty of people far worse off than you". These things don't discriminate [here i go talking like a poster again] but seriously, there's no rule that says depression or worries only hit in the third world because that's the only place where it's justified. It is just a thing, the body can get a flu, the brain can get chemical imbalances, but the mind can have thoughts that don't serve you well. They may not serve you well, they may not help you, they may not be realistic, but/yet for whatever reason, obstinacy pehaps, we hang onto them for dear life. SOme people say they feel dissatisfied, but then are almost proud of the stubbornness with which they put them selves through repeated rounds of the same upset. If everyone crowded round a person who was holding onto a lamppost, telling them to let go, got ignored and then found the person the next day with hyperthermia from exposure, we'd all say "Well, that was silly". If someone holds on to rail lines until a train goes by and they lose one of their fingers, we'd all say it was ridiculous, especially if that same clinging person then said "Oh my poor finger". But with people's mindsets, we all say, that's private territory, nobody else can enter, nobody else can make suggestions, if a person wants to be unhappy, you gotta let them.

nothing will happen to you like losing a finger! But, like the frost bitten pole hugger, you risk WASTING YOUR TIME. Not anyone else's, but just one day waking up and saying, wow, I say [insert here the quote i kept "using against you" yesterday"] I'm not really happy about stuff, but what are my plans for that? WHat have I done to try to be happier in my ways. Have I tried anything, if I'm the one who has said this is not getting results for me?

Maybe, instead of looking back like that, instead of risking lost time, you can ask those questions just now, and say, what CAN be reconsidered, [because it can all be reconsidered] but what I learned, I saw it happen, everyone moves on, they moved on from me, coz I was stuck in a rut. Just like the lamppost, people "go home" in a sense, they lose interest in the spectacle of someone who clings to something without contemplating alternatives, no matter what gains the clinger may make by opening their outlook up a little bit.

If anything I'm troubled by some of your similarities to me, but the thing to remember is, your mindset is essentially you. You don't "own" it, therefore it's not something you don't take responsibility for. It is something for which you are not only responsible, but actually with which you are identical. Everyone has a body, everyone has a brain, but what is it about you that makes you who you are? It is only those things that allow one to discern you from a robotic automaton [tautology, sorry]

But it's the same for everyone. You are the consummation of individuality, non stasis, unpredictability. If someone acts irrationally and chaotically, they may be unstable, but they become in a sense, predictable. When I say unpredictable, I'm talking aobut, the part of us that learns. We as humans are basically "in line" with the essence of learning. We exist only through our innate access to higher orders of logic, better approaches to getting through life. We are not a program, it is our very changeability and ability to learn that makes us who we are, and not just stagnant morbid predictable patterns. I'm not talking about wacky weird roulette type unpredictable, but our openness to, even against the odds, hold out to find a better way, then when the opportunity knocks next time, to open our minds to changing again, if it works better.

You are synonymous with those reins, with that rider. You are the changeable factor, the road won't change on it's own, the horse can give you stick but it can't plan your journey, but when you work it well, when you stop distancing yourself from the reality, stop imagining yourself to be separate, you will wake up and say "Well, this IS all there is at the moment, so I might as well make those changes that I keep projecting on to this mysterious beautiful perfect ideal future realm, and say, that's not the reality, but I must settle for achieving what I can in this reality, that's a start.